Suicide: Breaking the Silence, Lifting the Stigma
By Karen Roldan | Behind the Funeral
September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day
Suicide. It’s one of the last great taboos.
In my years as a funeral director, I’ve seen firsthand how rarely people want to talk about it — and when they do, it’s often in whispers. Even today, when conversations about mental health are becoming more open, suicide remains cloaked in silence, secrecy, and stigma.
But silence doesn’t make the pain go away. Families grieve in isolation, weighed down by guilt, shame, confusion, and unanswered questions. My hope in writing this is to shed light on what families experience after a suicide loss and to remind you — there is no shame in talking about it.
I have held mothers as they cry over their lost sons and daughters. Husbands or wives that are left bereft by this tragedy, and children that simply don’t understand the “why” of the situation.
Why Suicide Is Still So Hard to Talk About
For many families, suicide feels like a private wound — something to hide rather than share. There’s a lingering stigma, an unspoken belief that a suicide leaves a blemish on the family name. Some families even rewrite the story of their loved ones’ passing to avoid judgment from others.
In my experience, I’ve worked with families who have never uttered the word “suicide,” even years later. For them, it becomes a secret locked away, rarely spoken of — a survival strategy born from pain, misunderstanding, and fear of shame.
The truth, though, is simple: suicide is not a moral failing. It is not cowardice. It is not weakness. It is the result of unbearable pain — and too often, a lack of the resources, understanding, or hope needed to see another way forward.
The Guilt That Haunts the Ones Left Behind
When suicide happens, the emotional aftermath can feel unbearable. Families are left not just grieving but questioning everything they thought they knew.
"What did I miss?"
"How could I have stopped this?"
"Was my spouse, child, parent, or friend struggling more than I realized?"
The truth is, even those closest to the person may not see the signs. Sometimes, those who are struggling work very hard to hide their pain. Other times, the signs are subtle — paperwork being organized, bills caught up, treasured items being quietly given away.
These actions can happen right in front of us, and we don’t recognize them for what they are until it’s too late. And when we do, guilt sets in.
But here’s what I’ve learned: suicide is rarely about others. It’s not about failing your loved one. It’s about their inner battle — a pain so overwhelming that they couldn’t see another way out.
The Calm Before the Goodbye
One of the most painful realities I’ve seen is that, in some cases, people seem better right before their death. Families describe how their loved one suddenly seemed happier, lighter, even relieved.
Why? Because once someone decides on suicide, it can feel like a burden has been lifted. The decision, in their mind, offers peace from a pain that felt endless.
That’s why it’s so hard to recognize what’s happening in time. It’s not carelessness or neglect — it’s that suicide doesn’t always look like despair.
A Family’s Journey: Tom and Little Tommy
I once worked with a family grieving the unimaginable loss of their adult son — we’ll call him Tom.
Tom had battled depression and substance abuse for years. Despite his struggles, he was deeply loved by his parents and cherished by his young son, little Tommy. One night, Tom died of an overdose, leaving behind a family overwhelmed with questions — many of which would never have clear answers.
His parents were devastated, not only for their own loss but for the little boy who had just lost his father. Through their tears, they asked me questions I’ve heard so many times before:
"Why didn’t we see the signs?"
"How could he leave his son?"
"What was going through his mind?"
I sat with them in their grief and gently shared what I’ve learned after years of helping families through similar heartbreak: Tom was not a coward. He was not selfish, and he did not choose to leave because he didn’t love his son. Tom was in pain — deep, relentless pain — and in his mind, this was the only way to make it stop.
In time, Tom’s parents made a decision that reflected incredible strength and love: they would raise little Tommy themselves. More importantly, they made a promise — Tommy would know his father.
He would know his laugh.
He would know his kindness.
He would know his love.
They vowed not to hide Tom’s story or let shame define his memory. Instead, they chose to honor his life while gently, when the time was right, helping Tommy understand as much of the truth as his heart could bear.
That choice — to keep Tom’s memory alive while breaking the silence so often surrounding suicide — was one of the most powerful acts of love and healing I have ever witnessed. It didn’t erase the pain, but it gave little Tommy something priceless: the knowledge that his father loved him deeply, despite the struggles he faced.
The Things People Say — and Why They Hurt
In the aftermath of suicide, families often endure not just grief but thoughtless comments from others:
“He’s in a better place.”
“At least she didn’t hurt anyone else.”
“Time will heal everything.”
People mean well, but these words can deepen the wound. For survivors, there is no better place than having their loved one alive and with them.
When someone dies by suicide, compassion matters more than clichés. If you’re supporting someone through this, you don’t need the “right words.” Sometimes, just sitting beside them, holding their hand, or saying, “I’m here,” is enough.
Suicide Is Different From Other Deaths
Death is always painful, but suicide carries a unique kind of heartbreak. When we lose someone to cancer, heart disease, or another illness, there’s often some sense of inevitability — a gradual process, time to prepare, and, in some cases, a chance to say goodbye.
With suicide, there’s rarely that opportunity. There’s confusion, unanswered questions, and a deep ache over the “if onlys.”
And while there are sometimes warning signs, they’re not always recognized until it’s too late. That’s why it’s so important to talk openly, reduce stigma, and seek help when someone is struggling — even when they seem “fine.”
Understanding the Pain Behind Suicide
Suicide is never about weakness. It’s about relentless pain — emotional, psychological, or sometimes physical — that feels impossible to escape from. For some, it stems from untreated depression or anxiety. For others, it’s trauma, addiction, or a lifetime of inner battles hidden from the outside world.
The mind can be both resilient and fragile. And when someone reaches the point where suicide feels like the only way out, it’s rarely a choice made from anger or selfishness. It’s about ending the suffering they believe will never ease.
Seasons, Serotonin, and Suicide
Interestingly, suicide rates often peak during spring and summer, not winter as many assume. Longer days and brighter weather can actually increase serotonin levels, which may boost energy — enough to act on plans that have been forming quietly for months.
It’s a sobering reminder that a smile doesn’t always mean someone is okay.
Breaking the Silence, Together
Here’s the truth: there is no shame in talking about suicide. There’s no shame in grieving it, naming it, and remembering your loved one with compassion instead of judgment.
If your family has experienced this kind of loss, you don’t have to carry it alone. Talk to your friends. Find a support group. Say your loved one’s name. Share their story.
Because silence breeds stigma — and stigma isolates the people who need understanding the most.
Final Thoughts
Suicide changes the lives of those left behind - forever. But it should not define your loved one’s entire story. They were so much more than the way they died.
If you’ve lost someone to suicide, please be gentle with yourself. The guilt, the anger, the confusion — these are natural parts of grief, but you are not to blame.
And if you or someone you love is struggling right now, please know this: you are not alone. Help is out there, and talking about it could save a life.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
📞 988 (U.S.)
🌐 https://988lifeline.org
